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Happy New Year!

So far, so good.  Yes, I know, it is only January 2nd but I am celebrating my successes anyway.  A friend of mine said some time ago, “you can write a book 15 minutes at a time”.  I guess now I see that this is indeed possible (or I actually believe him).     

Ok, that aside, let me let you in on a little secret… just between you and me.  Life has decided that I just don’t quite have enough writing material, so in came a couple more curve balls thrown in for good measure.  Silly me, I thought I was pretty well set as I sure believed that I had quite a bit that I could draw from already.  I mean seriously, I have the big D from Captain Narcissist, the absolute insanity of Frantic Focus, the Big Brother Effect of R town, and let us not forget the Alienation Marathon with the boy’s circle of trust.  But this new little trinket, was just a little drop of “oh my gosh” that had me pick my chin up off the floor, wipe a tear or two, question just a few hundred things I thought I KNEW.  I know, I know “that’s what ya get for thinking….”

I guess I am coming down from the shock of it all.  I also think in some ways it helped me to realize that this person who had always been somehow my “grass is always greener” person and the one by which all others were measured, was HUMAN!  I mean, I always knew he was human… Hell, I think I have even shared with some of my closest friends a few of his flaws.  But, as far as men go… this one always seemed to hold my heart.  Not in a way that I thought there was a relationship future but in a way that I always knew that there would be some lifelong connection.  And now, for the first time in 30 plus years I don’t know that I feel that way anymore.

The craziest part is that it is not like I am angry.  I think I am a little bit hurt by the manner in which I found out what was going on in his life, and even more so disappointed.  This person although thousands of miles away is someone I have always trusted and shared my life with.  My best guess is that he switched off and turned silent, knowing that my excessive honesty might (ok.. ok… not might, WOULD) kick in and he would get a fair chunk of my unsolicited opinion.  And perhaps it was far easier to throw up a wall than it was to hear anything I had to say. Then again, it might be also because I suspect he had already caught a mighty heaping of opinions from several others in his life.

I guess I want to tell him, it’s ok.  Not that he needs my approval, or even that I have an approval to give because the Lord knows that I’d be lying if I said in my heart I approve.  But, I can honestly say where he is, he needs to be.  And that means for now, and perhaps forever, our lifelong friendship is on hiatus.  I guess I feel like it has somehow changed, or perhaps my perception of him has changed, or maybe he was never really what I thought he was, or then again it could very well be that it is just me who has changed. All that said, I am pretty sure this little corner; right here in the center of my heart will always have his name written on it.  After all, no one outside of my family has ever been so close, known so many of my secrets, fears, hopes or dreams. 

Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown

So, here I am sharing my thoughts about things going on in my life which by the way,  I hope to do a little more regularly.  I also am working on a couple other projects and I look forward to the journey that is before me there as well.

What a treasure.  So, I was invited to Tahoe for a girl’s weekend to celebrate a dear friends birthday.  

Brings me back to my vacation/ journey/ experience to Isle Royale.  I remember and treasure every minute of that trip and I am confident that this vacation will be similar.    After all, “It’s about the experience”.  You take in everything, treasure every word, live every moment and make life’s memories.

Day one.  Meet and greet, followed by the three hour drive to allow me to begin learning things about these lovely ladies.  First, I already have decided these gals are just the greatest (cuz if they are friend’s of T…. they have to be).  The process of listening, learning and identifying the personalities in any group is absolutely wonderful.   This group was no exception.  In fact, this is probably one of my favorite joys in life.  Observing and trying to see in the windows of a person’s life and really getting to know who they are. I LOVE capturing those identifying moments in my saving them to memory.  We all know the best groups are not complete unless they have the different personality types to really make a well-rounded journey.  In my humble opinion, I believe God brings people to us to compliment, enhance or supplement our own lives. So, to begin our journey; let’s start with the not-so innocent and yet credulous one.  She is the one that catches herself saying the little things that make her laugh… then her laughter being positively contagious, has us all joining in the laughter with pure joy.  The next gal is the innocent one, the cutest thing that doesn’t realize just how girl next door beautiful and kind (inside and out) she is.   Then, my neighbor sharing the back seat is none other than gal we aspire to be.  The good wife, organized, super planner, makes her list, wonder mom.  She is no doubt here to make sure we all have fun but do it responsibly.  When we arrive at our destination and are happily joined by the educator, the wow lady.  The one with a beautiful accent and a beautiful outlook on life.  She is a treasure in this group.  Her appreciation for life and friendship is amazing.

Memories…  Day One… The laughter is amazing and contagious.  The dialogue is fun and energetic.  We have shopped, eaten, laughed and gabbed.  I already feel so glad I am here.

Ahhh.  Three new characters have arrived on the scene.  The unwinding of who they are and how they fit in this personality puzzle is so fun for me.  Here is what we know, there is the yin/ yang, found her spiritual self, beauty… the PR Rep, with the courage to speak the truth because of her youth and yet with enough wisdom from her life’s experience in three decades for it to really touch home.  And then there is the baby of the group.  She is the one they were discussing who of us were old enough to be her mother (Yes… yes… I am one that could be old enough).  She is a doll; sweet kind features, appears to be somewhat charmed and is someone you just instantly love.

The beauty of friendship is that it just fills your heart and soul with joy.  The treasure of friendship is that it can be found in just a moment or last a lifetime.  This amazing group of women is a great example of how a collection of people can be so different and just feel such closeness so quickly.  These people walked into this house, some of us never having seen one another and yet here we were, sharing stories, sharing experiences and sharing our lives. 

I know for each of us that came here, there was a moment or two that will remain in our memories for a long time if not forever.  It is a truly a beautiful thing that even without pictures, I am sure each of us could close our eyes right now and picture a moment that touched us, a moment that made us laugh until our tummy ached, a moment where we felt grateful, a moment we felt satisfied, a moment we felt at peace, or any other number of thoughts or experiences. 

I have to tell you that I personally can still picture many incredible moments as I continue to write this months after my journey with these women has passed. Some of the moments were just simple, quiet moments.  Those filled with peace and tranquility and love.  Such as sitting on a deck alone with a book and looking out at God’s grace in the nature surrounding me.  And while we are on the subject of God, how about walking along the lakeside, feet in the water warm and sunny and yet somehow there was snow on the mountain across the way. This kind of beauty can only be that of God.  And as I walk along, I look back at my new found friends lying in the sun, chatting and bonding.  Positively lovely.  

Then, my mind wanders to the moments that made me feel the pangs of girlhood that must have filled more than just my heart.  An afternoon of mani/ pedis like those days we had with our besties when we were just sweet little girls.  Favorite mani/ pedi moment, REGRET… lol.  Well, it looked good in the bottle; it even perhaps looked cute in the salon.  But by the time we were back to the house favorite line “Who paints their nails this color?” ps…  the next quest was a drug store for nail polish remover and more subtle polish.  Along the lines of memories and youth, I think about the night we were going out to drink and dance and celebrate the big day.  The preparation for our grand celebration was that reminiscent of being in my 20’s.  Beginning with a group of girls sitting on the floor looking at and trying each others make up, taking turns getting ready in the bathroom, that sweet girl who spends her time fixing everyone’s hair.  Shhhhhh…. Let’s not mention the gossiping of which of course there was none. So much fun, so desperately needed.

Then, let’s talk laughter again.  I laughed and laughed and I am not sure if technically laughter is considered exercise but I know my stomach muscles got quite the workout on this trip.  Ok, here’s a scenario for you, add alcohol to any group of girls and silliness soon follows.  Crazy dancing (including summersaults and cartwheels…. (Yes, really), flirting with band members (and borrowing their instruments).  The whole gang on stage with another band…  Dancing with such enthusiasm that a really great pair of brand new shoes somehow were broken in the disastrous fall.  Luckily, the girl scout (always be prepared) of the group brought extra shoes in her purse (yes again, really).  How about the worlds stickiest floors and drinks spilled and boys in their 20’s thinking that that could come even close to handling this group of ladies. 

OK, now, how about we combine all these experiences, Peace, Memories, Laughter, Joy and Bonding. The beauty of this trip was not only in the hearts of these ladies or the smiles on their faces.  The exquisite beauty of God’s creation surrounded us.  We journeyed out on a sailboat to the middle of this blue lake, we had cocktails and laughed, we shared life stories of love, kids, break ups and just life.  We laughed at the birthday girl desperately trying to hold her skirt down in a true Marilyn Monroe moment as a gust of wind caught her just right.  She gracefully tried to hold a drink, hold her skirt (partially using a doorway) and saying, “Excuse me M’am” to the lady who thought she wanted to get by her.  We laughed as we got the keep Tahoe Blue explanation about trash…. Followed by an oops with the gum.  I know we each enjoyed the compliments that seemed to keep coming our way.  It seems that joy really does makes us more beautiful.  Every one of us in our own way was truly beautiful on this journey.

So, you all know this adventure was big for me, as I am on a path to finding me again.  After 18 years of hiding away, I ventured out.  I trusted my friend and stepped away from the safety of all that I know and decided to be social again.  I have lived far away from girl time or friend time for many years as the ex discouraged me, as I was his wife and their mom.  What I forgot was I am still… ME.  These four days showed me that not only was it not in anyway bad for my children for me to go away, but it was in fact good.  I came back refreshed, happier, more confident and more resembled the person I was so long ago and strive to be again.

I will always treasure these ladies more than they will ever know.  I learned lessons from them, each of them.  I learned lessons from God, and I learned lessons from me. 

To T – You are a blessing to all who know you.  Just thinking of your laughter my fellow Pollyanna makes my heart smile.  You are the gift that brought us all together.  If I could pick a sister, you would easy make it to the very top of my list!  I love you and will treasure your friendship always!

To W – From the first moment I met you, I saw gentleness in your very soul.  I loved that I could feel your Faith and that touched my heart.  You have this kind-hearted beauty inside and out.  Your peace gives those around you comfort it also makes people want to love and care for you. I adore you already and hope to continue to grow our friendship for years to come.

To A – As silly as this will sound as my children all are now taller than me.  You are the example of the Mom I hope I am.  I felt your love for your kids and felt your wisdom and strength.  I wish I had met you sooner as I think you could have been great spiritual and knowledgeable support as I was struggling with how to be a Mom on my own.  I look forward to our next opportunity to learn more about and from one another.

To M – Wow.  I knew that I wanted to return to my education and I was proud of that decision, but talking to you and listening to you, I felt refreshed and renewed in my commitment to do so.  You are such a treasure and a joy to spend time with, I find myself slightly jealous of the lucky people who are blessed to learn from you and hope they realize and take advantage of all that enthusiasm for learning. I look forward to continuing our friendship and getting to know more about you and sharing your reading list.  Smiles.

To E – You are the personality I somehow related to in a very fun personal way.  You reminded me of me when I was so much younger.  Before my light was dimmed.  I treasured talking to you about non-profits and fundraisers as that was so much a part of my past.  And your stories of fun and life and boys, I will treasure our conversations (and look forward to more) and fence climbing (maybe not more of that… lol).  You have such life in your eyes, such enthusiasm…  I can still see you standing on the couch singing.  You are a treasure in life, which I am confident all who know you and love you feel. 

To S – What a treat it was to get to know you.  I loved talking with you on the sailboat, and felt a true bond with you over many of the topics we discussed.  I think that you have found a place in life that so many of us strive to be in.  You are so at peace both with who you are personally and in your relationships and that is such an incredible blessing.  I think that having you, as a part of this group was very touching to me… and girl that wine tasting was exquisite!  I hope our paths will cross again very very soon.

To J – You are just the sweetest thing.  And as I write this, you have advanced to my extended family through a very special connection.  I enjoyed our conversations on this journey and just knew from the day I met you that you were going to be someone that I wanted to know and have in my life.  You make me smile in that you have this incredible sweetness combined with a wise soul.  I look forward to our friendship growing further.

 

To All - You ladies are a tremendous group.  You gave me so many blessings in just four days that I will treasure forever.  You have added to my life and I am grateful for each and every one of you.  May the Lord keep you all safe until He makes our paths join again.  Until then you are all in my heart and thoughts and prayers.

 

There have been so many times over the years where I was going through something and I just felt so alone.  Like no one could possibly understand my pain.  Some of those include some extremely hard and dark times and some were just everyday ultra stressors.

I started to realize, like just one more revelation…  That in my moments of crisis I wasn’t really alone at all.  First of all, my faith says that I was never alone.  Second I look back at some of these events and realize that each and every time there was a song or a book, or a movie, or a scripture at church that seemed to talk right to me.

More importantly, I realized that if it is 2am and Beth Moore is talking about surviving and recovering from the shame of molestation, or if Jodi Messina is singing a song that asks the world to bring on the rain because she is tough enough to conquer it, or there is a great book by Liz Gilbert that is about her journey through heartbreak of divorce and loss to happiness and passion for life.  Or Joel Osteen is talking to me about “It’s going to happen… Suddenly, your situation will change for the better…He will bring your dreams to pass” That there must be far more people out there that are going through this very same thing. 

I am confident that I am not the only young girl who was hurt by a person that should have been trusted.  In addition, I am pretty confident that I am not the only woman who has lived through a husband’s infidelity (hello, if I were there would be no need for lifetime television).  Then there was the finality, the loss of that nearly two-decade marriage which although in its existence was not filled with joy, but rather pain.  And with that finality came responsibility of caring for 3 amazing children alone.  I am not the only woman trying desperately to keep my mortgage paid all by myself.  Working to do my very best every day to make them proud.  Going back to school to make myself proud.

Look at it; these are just small examples that apply to me, but what an incredible revelation.  What a beautiful moment to realize that in this great big world, you are nor alone!  It seems so often we feel surrounded in our joy and abandoned in our pain.  But look around you there are exampled everywhere that show you, you’re not in this one by yourself.  Open your eyes and your hearts and you will see that there are people everywhere hearing that song and it filling there ears and feeding right to their heart. 

One of my greatest sadness is that just in the last couple years, there have been a few special people (2 in my children’s group of friends and 1 in mine) who ended their life, no doubt in part because they felt alone.  They felt like no one understood their pain.  I wonder why they didn’t get their moment of revelation that they weren’t alone.  That there were others hurting and feeling their same kind of pain.  I wonder if they realized that so many people who mourned them had at one time felt a tinge of the very same ache.  The difference is they saw the light, the faith, the courage to hear the inspiration others share.

I want to ask the questions, I am a seeker of the answers.  I want to know how we best see those people and ensure they do not miss their revelations that they are so not alone.  It seems a shame to me that the special people were in heaven when they got to see just how many people were there for them.

We are not alone.  We are on a journey with family, friends, loves, acquaintances, and people that just pass in out of our life.  Each of these people is in our life for a particular reason or a time.  We are not in this alone. 

From the as far back as I can remember, I have always been curious, talkative and perhaps a little silly.  This can be a wonderful trait and can also be well… trouble. 

Crazy… that’s easy.  I am crazy.  I believe “ Normal ” is way over rated, and besides that what exactly does normal mean anyway?  Here’s a secret about me (don’t tell anyone),  I grew up with the nickname of “Beansie” because as a small child my grandmother always said I was full of beans.  I can not remember a time that I didn’t have something to say.  Heck, I even I make up words and tell silly stories about random nothingness.  Yes Grandma, even as an adult, I am still full of beans.  I love the idea of just playing with life and being crazy and more than that, I somehow feel driven to make people smile. 

So, here’s the good side, being curious is a thirst for knowledge.  I want to know everything… really.  I also am constantly and easily amazed by even the smallest things in life.  People who know me well know that I can spend hours just pondering the simplest of things.  Have you ever looked at a single hair on a tabby cat?  Or spent an afternoon looking at clouds in the sky?  Or go for a walk and run into a moose? I’ve done all those things, yes even the moose.  I can’t help but revel at so much in life.  I love the surprise of learning something I didn’t know before, the revelation so to speak.  I want to just drink up every moment I can.

Now for the trouble in me… I guess it’s that same talkative nature.  You might not think that this is a bad thing, and most of the time it is not.  In fact, it comes in quite handy when your friend bails on you at the last minute and you end up in Utah at a stamping convention all alone.  Strangers become friends like this… “ Hi ladies, I’m here alone, please adopt me.”   Seriously, it works.  Then there is the side of me that is excessively honest.  Combine that with talkative and lack of a filter between my brain and my mouth and you’ve got trouble.  I am not honest in a mean way, I don’t say things that hurt feelings.  It is more of the get myself in trouble thing.  Let’s just say being a spy will never be in my future.

I think I’ve always known these things about me, but somehow it became so much more evident as an adult.  Maybe it was realizing that people called me “Pollyanna” and I liked it.  Or perhaps it was talking to my best friend of over 30 years and knowing that no matter how tired he is or how down he is, I can make him smile and laugh and forget about the stressors in his life (even if just for our hour phone conversation).  Or is it that my co-worker said “You can make friends with trees” when she found out that I had a new friend that I met on Words with Friends.  Or is it that whenever it rains, I get a call from one of my kids telling me it is raining and they are ready to go for a walk in the rain when I get home. 

I love being different, special, unique… crazy.  I love the surprise of life and learning about the treasures that are just ordinary to some.

In a crowded room of strangers we talk about betrayal.  The sound of the music fills my chest with the pounding beat of drums.  Conversations of the next group almost as audible as our own.  The variety of faces, the range of ages.  Some sweet, some cheap, some happy and playful and some there only to be noticed.  The different features of nightlife. 

Sitting in this room, I am drawn to the past.  This place although I have never been here, feels so familiar.  The walls and the people and the music are different, and yet I know I’ve been here just the same.

Then, it begins to unfold…  I have been here, I came with a friend.  I remember, we laughed, we talked, we connected.  Friendship is growing its changing I feel it, does he?  He hugged me.  He didn’t let go, and I didn’t want him to.  Where did the time go?  How did it get to be 4am.  The place is now closed and the people have gone.  We sit in the coolness of the car.  Our arms intertwined. 

See, I recognize this place, I have been here with him so many times before.  It was so long ago, that I had all but forgotten it, but as I sit on this chair the memories are running through my head.

We were here again and again, attraction growing.  Is it the alcohol, is it the environment, is it the excitement, is it him?  I am so torn.  In this place, this loud crowded place where we are evaluating one another, I know he is taken.  I know he shares his life with another.  But in this place, I listen and I believe…  I know that his words to describe her are confusing…  Roommate… thirteen years?  No promises… thirteen years?  No commitment… thirteen years?  But here in this place I know that it is true. Here in this place SHE is so irrelevant.

Seventeen years later, I sit here again, the same man by my side. Although so familiar, so different too.  Most things have not changed the lights, the booze, the music, the hormones.  And then it hits me, the only thing that has really changed is who is playing the roles.  There is still attraction and new love.  There is still excitement, there is still anticipation, but as I sit across from this man,   I realize that it is different.  

In this place of life and craziness, fun and excitement, there are new players.  The man has changed, or has he?  There is a new friendship changing, the affair of the heart is strong.  I see it, I feel it, the woman he’s with is so familiar… 

Only, this time, the irrelevant SHE is me.

Today has been a beautiful day.  Funny thing is, most people would say that I say that a lot, even if it’s really not.  If it is raining, I call my daughters and say “let’s go for a walk”.  I have a habit of looking at the sunshine even through the clouds.  In fact, I  am commonly called a Pollyanna and frankly I am ok with that.

So, who am I?  I am first a mom of three amazing children who are my pride and joy.  I am also a woman who works hard and does my best at whatever I set my mind to.  Which brings me to what am I doing here.  There was a time in my life where I was driven to write and somewhere, I lost that.  Recently, a friend gave me a push and made me realize that I needed to go back to that love.

Today, I am starting with step one.  Opening up.  

Thank you to my friend.